Listening and conversations

‘It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much” ...Yogi Berra


This quote by Yogi Berra, the great Yankee catcher, while twistedly hilarious, is astoundingly simple and true.
We all need to talk...this is one of the greatest tools and advantages we have over the rest of the animal kingdom...to communicate with words to the world we live in... When we talk we are expressing ourselves, venting our thoughts, we are giving the world our words...from the simplest to the most worldly...and everything in between...we are on our miniature stage...wherever we are... to anyone we are with... when those words flow out of our mouth.

Talking ....takes a lot of work...the thought has to be clear...then expressed...from feeling to brain to mouth...there are a lot of mechanics involved...it’s not easy work...and the words don’t always get it quite right anyway ....

Talking is all about output...so we first have to understand that...when there is output...we are not able to absorb input...
Think of it.... like an on/off switch...it’s a physical impossibility for something to be on and off at the same time...

Conversations obviously involves others ... so...theoretically...a conversation should be a series of on’s and off’s.... when you talk you are on...and when the other person talks you are off...unfortunately, that’s not what usually happens....that... theoretical balance gets significantly disrupted...in so many different ways....

One way that a conversation will break down, is that... sometimes some people are not really ever in the off position....
Someone who incessantly talks and doesn’t even let the other person say a thing....is probably the most frustrating person to talk with...of all those which we encounter in life..
It’s so lopsided... that it’s actually not a conversation at all, but a monologue...this individual is probably oblivious to the concept of being in the off position...imagine living with this person... or working for this person... The flip side is the listener who won’t interrupt them...because they don’t want to offend the offender....these are conversation enablers.....yikes..... so there are over talkers and over listeners..

Another way a conversation breaks down...is more subtle... because, even when we think we are in the “off” position...we are really not quite off....this is because our brains are continuously feeding us thoughts during the time we are supposed to be off... listening”...

So even though, you may feel you are giving the other person their “on” position in the conversation, we may be already planning our next thought...we may be focused in another area....another image comes to us...and we are off somewhere else...thinking that we are listening...but we are not....we are far away...and we don’t even realize it...we missed it because we were not even there...unable to fully absorb the other persons thoughts...because we were never really off...
This is a major problem...not only in general conversations but in relationships, too....a feeling comes over us that the person is not there, they are not listening to us at all...and sometimes the conversation tells us that the person is not there at all...their response didn’t reflect the pace nor the texture of the conversation...

Listening while in the “off” position....or what I call...high level listening..... is really a very difficult process to master...because it involves discipline and requires practice...
How do we downplay or suppress the cascade of thoughts that enter our mind during a conversation?

The only time we can have true listening is when we are completely blank and open.... in order to fully absorb the other person in that moment...
When I was growing up...... in grade school.. in each room there were black slate chalkboards which we wrote on with powdery chalk.....the board had be washed clean at the end of the day...in fact... that might have been a classroom chore...back then....you might be assigned to clean the slate...those teachers were so smart.

Ideally, in order to truly listen.... we literally have to have a blank slate each time we are “off” and the other person is “on”....imagine that... if.... in between each interchange....every single time....we had to get an eraser...and clear the slate...
That’s not an easy task...but it’s critical in order to sustain a healthy conversation.
Clearing the slate, in itself is easier said than done.... because it also requires us to clear our heads of beliefs we hold....in order to be truly open during conversations....our heart has to be open along with our ears.. and not let the mind control the conversation..
When we bring judgement into the equation...the result is often skewed to our underlying beliefs..and we lost the essence of the conversation..

Some other breakdowns occur because we rush conversations rather than let them have a natural flow all by themselves...
I wonder what compels people to rush.... not only in delivery of information...but rushing the space between the responses......
This I call quick draw responses.....as if you are trying to gun the person down at the OK corral....at high noon...what is the fucking rush....??

So when we combine, these factors, yogi really did hit a homerun when we said it was impossible to get a conversation started when everyone was talking.....If it helps...the next time you have a conversation.....just imagine you have your eraser with you and not your baseball bat.